The phrase "I love you" is so heavily built up in our world. Part of me thinks this is ridiculous, and part of me thinks it should be built up to hold as much meaning as it does. I grew up saying I love you to my parents, and when I tell my close friends, it's the most natural thing in the world. It's not scary, and I don't worry my parents will be freaked out if I say it too often.
In January, I was starting to panic. When we were together, it was becoming increasingly more difficult for me to not just scream it at him. When he said something funny or gave me a hug or did just about anything, it felt like second nature to just add in, "I love you." I suppose that was how I knew I really felt it. I kept thinking of all the different ways and times I could say it to him, but every time, I got scared. I didn't know if it was too soon or too sudden. All I knew was I felt it, and I was absolutely positive it was love.
About two weeks before Valentine's day, my boyfriend and I attended a slam poetry performance on our campus. The poet on stage asked the audience, "who here is in love?" Various members of the audience screamed and cheered, and my boyfriend and I just froze. We didn't look at each other or make eye contact. The moment passed, she asked a different question, and we didn't talk about it.
A week before Valentine's day, we were laying in bed. We weren't doing anything, we were just laying there and all of the sudden he said it. He looked at me and said "I love you," and I said it back and that was it. I think I can still remember how my entire body tensed up, and how I knew it was coming. I had this feeling when he looked at me and opened his mouth that this was it. And it was one of the most exhilarating feelings I've ever had.
I've been carrying around this feeling for a few months now, this "in love" feeling. It's different and not what I expected it to be. Falling in love doesn't solve all your problems, or erase all feelings of crippling loneliness or existential dread. Those still happen sometimes. Falling in love is powerful. It is also scary. It's scary to feel so strongly for another person, or to feel like being a part of someone's life is the most important thing.
People often wish to describe love in a few words, or ask, what is love, really? Some people say love is selflessness, love is vulnerability, love is forgiveness, honesty, and trust. I think love contains all of these words, but it's so hard to put such a huge emotion into small descriptors. Love, to me, is this insurmountable exclamation of joy and sadness and anxiety and fulfillment all somehow working together to create a feeling that can make just about anyone feel insane. I didn't know I was capable, at times, of exuding so much empathy it hurts.
Some nights I go to sleep thinking that I am the luckiest
person alive. I go to sleep wondering how this is so easy, so simple, and so
right. I go to sleep smiling and sometimes I can’t even sleep because I’m
filled with so much bliss my head is spinning.
Some nights I go to sleep thinking this is the
hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the hardest thing I will ever do. I go to sleep thinking I’m a failure, I’m not
doing this right, and I’m not doing enough. I go to sleep thinking there will never
be an easy way to hold all of someone’s pain, to feel all of someone’s joy.
But I always fall asleep in love. I always fall asleep remembering that love works in the way life does -- with highs and lows and in-between. I fall asleep loving him more every night, which sounds crazy, probably because it is.
I still don't know what it all means, and maybe the whole process is about learning. Just to be able to experience the whole thing, in all of its entirety, is incredible.
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