Cool Factor

I wish I was one of those snarky girls who can wear converse every day and not look lazy, just effortlessly hardcore as they tie their hair up into a "fast" bun and somehow it miraculously looks fine and not totally stupid. Maybe everyone does, and those girls don't even exist, but I still kind of think they do. To the other girls I sit next to in class - am I that girl? Do I look effortlessly hardcore? Do you think I have hidden tattoos and a nicotine problem? Do you wait for me to bring some obscure Hemingway quote into our everyday conversation like it's not a big deal?

I was in the airport with an acquaintance from school a few weeks ago, coming back for second semester. She was asking me where I live, and was quick to rule out Baxter Hall, the largest substance-free residence hall on campus. "You don't look like someone who would live in Baxter," she said. I laughed because she didn't know that 2012 was the first time I'd ever tried alcohol, and I couldn't even finish one jello shot. Maybe it was the leather jacket I was wearing or the "I don't care" attitude I was trying to feign with my headphones in. She probably also didn't realize I was listening to Taylor Swift's new album and totally digging it. Whatever, okay?

One of my best friends from college told me that the first time we met, I was intimidating. I'd shown up to the Westside dorm mixer-party-extravaganza with two boys from my hall. She took one look at us and assumed I "got around." That's. Yeah. That's a good one. I haven't talked to those two guys since that night, except exchanging casual head nods in the hallways, when I happen to be awkwardly shuffling down the hallway in my towel while the blonde boy who lives right next to me slides past with his girlfriend.

So maybe, when I slip into my seat on Monday morning looking really tired, you might think it's because I've just had the wildest weekend of my life and I can hardly think straight. I can assure you this is probably not true, and I'm probably so tired because I've had too much sleep, and used my weekend to fall off the face of the planet for two days, but at least I finished another season of some television show, right?

This edgy girl in her beat up shoes and messy topknot is in nearly every class I have - I see her all the time in different people and in different social settings and she walks the thin line between accessible and intimidating. She's so cool, but I could never talk to her. The way we perceive people without any direct communication is so strange. How do we actually convince ourselves we know someone based on the way they look, how they dress, or their vocal inflection? On days when I roll in wearing a big sweater and leggings because, really, I couldn't be bothered to try, maybe you think I'm scarily confident or something. That's weird and hard to imagine but maybe it's true. Maybe it's the leather jacket. I'm careful not to hum when I listen to my iPod - you'll figure it out soon enough that I've had We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together on repeat all morning.

Go out and think about people differently. Don't be afraid of people because they seem cool. Actually, go ahead and be afraid of them, because annoyingly that is sometimes inevitable. But you know, you probably seem cool too. Tie your hair up and smudge your eyeliner even if you think it looks like shit. Plug in your headphones and listen to whiny songs about unrequited love, okay? Just do it.

-Hannah