Sometimes it takes like, five minutes, randomly, at some time throughout your day, to realize that every negative thing you have ever thought about yourself is so trivial that you feel like throwing yourself against the wall and sticking both middle fingers out to society in a fit of completely justified rebellion.
Or, if you're like me, you don't do either of those things but instead open blogger in a new tab and type furiously, which is sort of like flipping off society. Sort of.
It is currently five minutes until four in the afternoon, and I'm sitting on my moderately made dorm bed and it is raining. Hard. Somewhere in the middle of alternating mindlessly between my four open tabs, some strange, huge, gigantic thought sort of announced itself in my head and, congratulations, you get to read about it.
I say that I fluctuate frequently between being a very confident and content person, to someone who is very hard on herself and overwrought with anxiety about the well-being of other people. I like to refer to that specific anxiety as "empathy," but at times it can feel like much more of a curse than a blessing.
I get really mad, sometimes. Not very often in regard to other people, but just about things in general. I am never violently mad, never revenge-seeking, never to the point of boiling over in rage and like, spitting fire or kicking over chairs like Taylor Swift did once during a concert video I watched. She kicked chairs, not spit fire. Though I wouldn't put it past her to one day accomplish both. I just get mad that the world I have grown up in has allowed me to go long periods of time believing things about myself that are not true, or justified, or clear, or relevant, or, or, or, or, or.
It isn't fair that I have an idea in my mind of what being beautiful looks and feels like. It isn't fair that wondering if my hair might look messy from the rain in the presence of cute boys is a concern that crosses my mind frequently. Come on, world. As if I didn't have enough to worry about! It is so, so unbelievably stupid that I can go around noticing how other people are so amazing and wonderful in all of these little ways and somehow. at the end of the day, manage to convince myself that I am The Exception, that all of those little wonderful ways do not exist in me because the rain messed up my hair early in the day.
It isn't fair that when another person speaks up in class, says something bright and intelligent, that I get to feel personally belittled. It isn't fair that my mind automatically tells me I need to say something of equal importance, yet when I think of something, my mind tells me it's shit. It isn't fair that society wants me to think that someone's success equals my failure, and that even when I am successful, something is still missing.
But mostly, it isn't fair that other people, myself, the world, society, etc etc etc, tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. It hurts to hear, sometimes, that my feelings and insecurities and self doubts are not relevant. I don't want to know that boys want "confident" girls, and that insecurity looks bad on me. I'm confused, because the boys of One Direction sing for three minutes and nineteen seconds about how me not knowing I'm beautiful is what ACTUALLY MAKES ME BEAUTIFUL and it is damn catchy. Get your shit together, society. Stop with the mixed messages. I want to be told, no, reassured, that I am a human being, a teenage girl, and that I am of course, not worthless, but that I am capable of human feelings and that my moods are not without cause.
I don't always need to be reassured that I am pretty, smart, whatever. I want an apology from society, sure. But I also kind of want to be solid in my belief that being the prettiest, being the smartest, being the whatever-est DOESN'T ACTUALLY MATTER. LIKE, AT ALL. I'm not here to spend all of my time wondering how I can be different, how I can get people to like me, and how I can change to accomplish those things.
So sure, I don't get violently angry. But society has flipped me off enough times for me to feel alright about the fact that this time, I'm saying Fuck You right back.
-Hannah
SONG OF THE WEEK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ah5gAkna3jI
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